By Syed Zafar

We grew up in the same house in Pakistan, just three years apart. My younger brother and I shared the same childhood, but our adult lives went in different directions. He moved to Saudi Arabia. I eventually moved to the United States.

One day, he called me. The conversation began warmly.

“How are you doing? How’s your wife? How are the kids? How’s their school? How’s everyone’s health?”

I answered all his questions.

“How’s work?” he asked.

“All good,” I said. “Everything is fine.”

He then asked for the information he needed. I told him, “Give me five minutes and I’ll find it.”

Five minutes later, the phone rang again.

And once more, he began with the same gentle questions. “How are you doing? How’s your wife? How are the kids?”

This time I snapped. “My situation hasn’t changed in five minutes!”

For me, living in the U.S., it felt like wasted time. For him, it was natural. He was reestablishing the relationship before moving to the task.

The Business Frustration

Not long ago, an oil distribution company in Sherman, Texas asked me to train their staff. The owner’s frustration was clear.

“These Pakistanis,” he said, “they come and they talk and they talk. They drink coffee, and then they leave. No contract. No deal.”

For years his customers were mostly American gas station owners. He knew how to work with them. You met, you exchanged a few words, then you signed the contract.

But as more and more gas stations were bought by Pakistanis, his old style no longer worked. The meetings stretched on, but the business never closed.

What he saw as delay was, in fact, relationship building. In Pakistan and many other societies, trust has to be earned before business moves forward. In the U.S., trust is assumed from the start and

protected by contracts and systems. In a relationship-first culture, trust grows only after you know the person.

Two Different Scripts

These two stories point to the same cultural pattern.

• In relationship-first cultures, people affirm connection before getting down to business.
• In task-first cultures, efficiency and speed are the default.

Neither is right or wrong. But when they meet, misunderstandings are almost certain.

A Final Thought

I sometimes laugh when I think back to that repeat call from my brother. And I remember the oil

distributor shaking his head at all the coffee drinking. Both were seeing wasted time. Both were

missing the point.

Because what looks like inefficiency is often an investment in trust. And trust, once earned, is the real contract.

About the Author

Syed Zafar is dedicated to improving intercultural communication. Born in Pakistan, Syed later worked in Saudi Arabia before immigrating to the United States where he began to see how his experiences integrating into different cultures could benefit his new home of Houston, Texas. Syed is a passionate advocate for equality, clear communication, and education. As a trainer, presenter, published writer, and speaker, Syed has worked to improve intercultural communication for more than 25 years. He is the co-author of, "Crossing Cultures with Grace and Humor" published in 2021.